The House Party Archetypes

Hosting a going away party got me to thinking of all the Irish house parties I’ve attended over the years and how people (with the help of alcohol) have a tendency to fall into specific roles at these functions. I’ve outlined the main ones I’ve noticed below, I think most people have themselves, fallen into a couple if not all of this archetypes over the course of their house party timeline, I know I have. Personally I don’t think it would be a proper house party unless most of these characters showed up:

The Repetitive Drunk Girl: The Repetitive Drunk Girl is usually the drunkest party attendee quite early on in the night.  It was not her intention to get so hammered so quick it just seemed to have crept up on her. She is innocent and childlike and most will want to mammy her. Yet conversations with her will go round in circles, she will forget she has already made this comment or had this conversation with you and everyone else for that matter. She will most likely be the first to start dancing and may occasionally scream classics such as ‘This is my song’ and ‘Oh my God, I am so drunk right now’. All this is part of her charm and no one at the party will hold any of this against her because we have all been her at some point in our existence (yes boys I mean you too, especially the gay ones). She may occasionally fall over.

The Lad out for the Shift: (Shift is another Irishism, specific primarily to to non-city folk known as cluchies, meaning to at the very least make out or snog someone however it’s vague enough for its meaning to transcend getting to home base or the shag, confusing yesh?) The Lad out for the Shift has one thing on his mind, he wants to hook up with someone at the affair and everyone knows it. The Lad out for the Shift is usually a charmer and will most likely seduce his prey but every now and again his single minded focus on shifthood proves his downfall. He begins the night by chatting and flirting with a girl (guy, whatever) he genuinely cares for. She interested but is playing hard to get. He drinks more. She’s laughing and smiling at him. He digs the head in. She rebuffs him but lets him know maybe, in the future. He drinks more. Having accepted that he is getting nowhere with his desired tonight he begins to desperately crack on to all the remaining girls at the party, starting with the next attractive ending with the least (he has rated them in is head already according to attractiveness, you see). He drinks more. His original target begins to cop on to his game. All future shifts from her are now forfeit. He drinks more. He crashes out with every girl at the party. He drinks more. He passes out. 

Smells Awful

The Party Pooper: This Party Pooper is not someone who is a downer on the buzz, no the Party Pooper is guilty of a far more heinous crime. He (she maybe, although I can hear hordes of females protest that they could/would never do this) turns up at the house party and does the unthinkable. Look realistically we have all been there and when you have to go you have to go but know this if you have to Party Poop you better hope that; A: It does not stink and B: if it does that people do not figure out it was you. If you cannot satisfy A the party attendee’s will comment on the stench, ‘How could someone have done something like this?’ or ‘it's burning the inside of my nostrils off’ however if you are unlucky enough to get caught out do know this, they will talk and before the night is done the whole party will know it was you. My advice is pair up with The Lad out for the Shift and drink more until you pass out. 

The Couple who needs a Room: Not much explanation needed here really but isn’t there always at least one? Some attendees will view your PDA as cute and utter statements such as ‘it’s nice to see a couple so in love’ or ‘Jaysus, they’re giving me a boner’ but there will always be an opposition that that thinks you are too much and want you to put it away. The Couple who needs a Room will always be controversial and opinion dividing. What everyone will agree on when they are near them is that they can smell the sex protruding from their pores. Smells like booze and desperation.

This Ironing Board, theses Headphones
and my Laptop make me a Superstar DJ, yo!

The Music Nazi: And finally a house party would not be a house party without the humble Music Nazi. The Music Nazi basically decides to take it upon themselves to take over the music selection for the proceedings. They crouch around the laptop/stereo/mp3 player like ‘Golem’ guarding his precious. If anyone else tries to get close they snap like a dog minding a bone. They get it into their heads that the are somehow the next ‘Tiesto’ or ‘Daft Punk’  and by choosing the next most amazing song they look round for appreciation (a pat on the head or treat placed firmly on the nose). Granted having recently hosted a party I had great intentions of DJ-ing away but given I had to flutter around and ensure everyone was enjoying themselves I found I had very little time to focus on song selection. Luckily on the night I had not one but two Music Nazis to ensure my living room became a veritable dance-floor. There is one thing however that a Music Nazi tends to do that is unforgivable and that is change to another song before the current song is finished. If you’ve chosen to play a song have the courage to stand behind your convictions! Even if the song before was not your choice, do know that stopping it will ruin the flow of the festivities. For shame, for shame.

There are a few more I can think of but this would be my top five if you will. I just want to say to all the House Party Archetypes out there, I salute you, I love you, I am you and it would not be a house party without you.

GBM